This is going to sound... I don't know super weird... But last night I heard someone (myself) yelling at me about "this stuff" (stuff : podcasting, social media, sponsorships, all of it).
It wasn't audible. But for the first time I tuned in to the voice in my head and she was angry. And I realized why I walk around with a permanent headache. My inner self is a bitch and is crazy disappointed with me.
The above was a text to a friend that helped me realize something I've struggled to put into words for a long time - I'm disappointed in myself. Despite currently having a life that I love, disappointment has been a near constant companion since I "fired myself", ie. quit, my first job out of college. And despite the fact that I now know to look at failures as chances to grow and improve and despite the fact that I have repeated, "Failure is an event, not a person," over and over to myself literally hundreds of times, I still struggle.
And I wish I were the type of person who gets knocked down and then comes right back up swinging... But I'm not. Instead I sentenced myself to my own exile. Abraham had... what... 40 years in the wilderness. I gave myself 6. Between the time I left that first job and that my husband I basically wondered. I looked and searched for "success", "non-failure", a way to prove to myself in the world I was worthy.
It wasn't until I met my uber-confident husband that I realized that the puddle of self-doubt that I swam in was not the norm. There was a much more positive alternative.
More importantly, the person I wanted to be and the person I was becoming were lining up for the first time.
But my disappointment was, and apparently IS, still there. Lurking in the shadows. Swooping down in times of doubt or disappointment. Making me ask, "What if?" and saying, "If only..." in hopes to somehow correct the mistakes of my past. And, this is key, in hopes of increasing my happiness.
Let me let that sit in for a moment.
To be hypothetically happier, I sacrifice my current joy by wallowing in both past and current disappointment. This has to stop.